A Nation and a Culture Without Shame.
America doesn't do shame. Our continual desire to hammer the Germans over Nazi atrocities juxtaposes badly with our inability to face the slave-holding roots of our own nation. Presently, national righteousness over Burma stands in embarrassing juxtaposition to our recent bout with Hurricane Katrina. American sheriffs refused to allow people to leave New Orleans, thereby violating the American constitution. And yet they have neither been hanged for treason or (more realistically) jailed for civil rights violations. The failures in Burma are not any different from what is expected out of that government. America failed to be America, and therefore the shame should be that much greater. I find Laura Bush's interest in Burma embarrassing in its shamelessness. A First Lady should have political hobbies, but one of the core hobbies of First Lady is meant to be compassion upon the people of her own nation, and nothing much interesting has happened there.
What do I mean by "shame"? Dictionary definitions tend to start with "dishonor." And our repulsion with shame starts there as well. In our culture, we see ourselves as ethical free agents. You may have done something dishonorable, but you will never be a dishonorable person. Brownie failed to manage the response to Katrina and caused untold suffering and death, but he's off managing horses again or something like that and he's whatever he is today. His actions are things that happened at a point in time, but his essence is not made of those actions. It's all about "what have you done lately." Today there is more of a psychologized definition of shame which then creates it's own particular Christian response. An in depth review of these pscyhologized definitions can be found here. Since we don't believe that a person can have any action stick with them, "shame" becomes some rootless negativity in the emotionality. Christians turn it into a psychologicalization of Original Sin and make Jesus the Christ the answer.
I tend to think of shame as a gap between guilt and reaction. As the gap, it is somewhere between useless and destructive and almost always should be destroyed. I have learned that shame feeds addiction. One thing that was absolutely required in bring my eating problem under control was ending my shame about overeating. There are doctors and various foolish people who think that can belittle or shame a person into losing weight, and it is an absolutely false concept. Obesity is a painful and horrible condition. It is medieval in the experience of punishment that it inflicts. A person who deserves punishment could find little better than the discomforts of obesity. I like to say, "No one ever hated themselves to health."
And yet, at the same time that I am rooting shame out of my own life, I do see a place for it. Consider the following story: a woman loans a digital camera to a friend. The camera is about five years old and only takes 2 mega-pixel pictures. You can't even get a 2 mega-pixel camera anymore, but she's happy with it and hasn't seen a need to buy one of the new 6 or higher mega-pixel cameras. The friend falls in a lake while carrying the camera. At first it seems that the camera is fine, and she returns it. But as the camera dries out it ends up being ruined. The memory card, which had never been backed up, is also ruined. The friend is horrified and offers to replace the camera. The owner of the camera looks up the price on a midrange camera and emails the price to the friend.
The friend is living off savings while she puts herself through college and still puts food on the plate for her two children. She calls the owner of the camera and says that she'll make payments to make it right, but she should only pay for the replacement value of the camera. What about half the price of the cheapest camera available? At this point the owner of the camera is really starting to morn the pictures she lost on the memory card, and she feels insulted that her loss is being undervalued. She insists that her friend isn't making things right, that she should pay for a midrange camera, since that was what she had bought to start with all those years ago.
I've heard various versions of this story many a time. Just turn on Judge Judy and you can see it over and over again. One person insisting on "ma rights," no matter what the hardship imposed upon the other person and no matter how reasonable an accident may have occurred. I find this recourse to a legalistic form of morality brutish. The fact is that if you have a camera for a long time, something is going to happen to it. You might fall in a lake, you might leave it in a restaurant. It is inevitable. When you bought the camera, you knew that would happen. It was probably part of the reason you didn't buy a more expensive camera. It was also probably part of the reason you didn't trade up earlier: you were waiting for the inevitable day when you would be forced to buy a new one. When you chose to let someone else use your toy, you passed along the possible risks to the other person. Perhaps the person was more careless than you would have been, except your level of care included the risk of selecting that particular person. So you are exactly equal in your level of care. To think otherwise is absurdly self-righteous.
On that last point, you may decide that what I am actually talking about is humility. In 12-step, humility is defined as placing yourself equally with others, neither above nor below them. Laura Bush could possibly, with humility, comment on Burma. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles could have, with humility, chosen their re-marriage to each other. With shame, Laura Bush must be silent on Burma. The marriage of Charles and Camilla was accepted partly because of their shame in publicly stating their humility. And the owner of the camera could use a little shame to step back from what in all legality she perhaps deserves.
When I make this argument, I am at this point told, "Well, what about personal responsibility?" The point is that the hapless friend should take responsibility for her accident. And yet, look at the responsibility of this camera owner that I have already outlined, including her economic choices in when and what to buy. And, let's get real for a moment, do you really want to live in a world where you are going to be held "responsible" for everything you do? Personal responsibility is a very popular concept... just so long as it's someone else's responsibility.
The addict has to renounce shame because it is about hopelessness. Shame for the addict is moving into the gap between guilt and reaction permanently. "Just for today" (a 12-step mantra) pulls him out of the gap and firmly onto the reaction of right here, right now. And yet, conversely, shame can be a particular holder of hope. The wisdom of millenia that grappled with Original Sin isn't something to lightly push aside. The fact of shame and the fact of redemption says that we expect that we will get more than we deserve. And with that hope, perhaps we can give more than others deserve.
Earlier this week, the CNN headline "Woman opens heart to man who slaughtered her family" captured my attention. Through a process that involved public confession, a Rwandian Tutsi accepted the confession of a Hutu man who participated in the slaughter of her family. She does business with his wife. She told the CNN reporter that despite this man's confession and the importance of the confession process that "reconciliation would not have happened unless she had decided to open her heart and accept his pleas. She said, "I am a Christian, and I pray a lot." I cannot even begin to imagine how much prayer such a choice takes. Because of her choice and the choices of others who have as much hope as she does, Rwanda is becoming an African success story.
It was her choice. Forgiveness was entirely hers to give. No human being had the right to demand it of her, only her Christ who shares in her suffering could ask such a thing. A person, often a misguided Christian, who requires the forgiveness of others is making an evil and self-centered statement and is in danger of putting his own self as idol in the place of God. I am completely in agreement with commentators such as Ayn Rand on this point: ethically, you do not have to give anything. The only reason to demand someone give what they do not have to give is to be self-serving, and anyone who makes such demands is to be considered as a serpent.
But her choice certainly has brought me to reconsider the choices I have been making. How many resentments do I cling to? One is over a matter of about $200 that a close relative backed me into a corner on when I was destitute. A "bait and switch" kind of a situation. As I was forced to spend the money, with various family members peering over my shoulder, I didn't even know if the credit card would go through. There was no cash, and I was on the last of my credit. This incident is a decade old. What makes the resent even more absurd is that the relative has matured in the meantime and would certainly never do such a thing today. I have even received an apology of sorts. I don't have to forgive, but a little more shame in realizing that I know I get more than I deserve might help me realize that about now is time to give more than someone else deserves. I definitely know I don't want to get exactly what I deserve.



